Just as I make note to improve my self discipline, life floods me with new obstacles and pointless drama - instead of getting caught up in the mess of shit that is trying to pull me under, I'm going to laugh it off. Nice try, but I've endured mental and spiritual rebirth - and quite honestly, nothing is going to get me down. I forget a lot of the time, that no matter what happens - how many tears I shed, how many times I feel empty hearted, how many times I feel unimportant, childish, ignorant and annoying.. everything will work out. There is no such thing as mistake, and I can't help but notice the beauty in imperfection. All is purposeful, and as doors are slammed.. windows are open, walls are broken and the fucking floorboards are ripped up. As many times as I have gone taken a step and been moved back two, I really refuse to give into being upset.
Being a part of the sweat lodge was the most changing experiences of my life. I went into the lodge, expecting it to be crazy and whatever, but I could have never expected to gain (and leave) what I did. Doing the sweat naked was really beautiful, and a very important aspect of the cleanse. Before the 4 sessions, the group bonded and cleaned the ground - since she had been neglected because of the fireban. We all pulled weeds together, laid blankets and became close with the land we were going to be on for the next four hours. I don't think that I could have had a better group of people to sweat with. They were all radiant individuals, full of life and personality. Their names were Chuck, Marisaa, Dave, Boe, John, Hanook, Choky, Britney, Samantha and Liz. All represented a part of my personality, and all the words that were flowing out while in the sweat lodge somehow applied to what I've always wanted to say, but never could get out. It would be impossible to explain the full details of living and being each moment that past, being everything at once and at the same time loosing the pain locked inside yourself. I'm so happy that we were all strong enough to endure the four rounds of becoming a butterfly, and I can't wait to do this again. There were so many times were I thought that I was for sure going to drop dead in the lodge, so many times I could not breath because the air was too hot and so many times that I could only tell the difference between my eyes being opened and closed because of the sweat that would roll into them when open. The ceremony was sacred, and I am also so thankful for being a part of it- I got to put rosemary on the stones. My stone was used during the 4th and final session, which was really cool to me. I definetly reccomend that everyone do this, and I mean everyone.
Ever since I've come back from the Hostel, I can catch myself falling back into the monotony of city life. Although I have gotten sad since being back, all is well. I can't let it get the best of me, and I am so excited to just live day to day. Another very important factor I forget, is that I control everything that happens to me. I control my happiness, sadness and everything in between. Even if someone I love were to slap me in the face and say they never wanted to see me again, I would love them still and react the best way I knew how. Reflecting on how I have handled certain situations embarasses me, because I think I give life way too much meaning. Meaning as in, I give fuel for a fire that isn't really there. The human condition - I give into sadness, depression, and all that shit because I think it's real. I don't understand why I do this. I think that it's an important building block that I realize all of the things I need to change in order to remain at my happiest.
Self improvement is something I definetly need to work on, because it's a never ending process. There is always more to learn. One thing I definetly have to learn is that I really know nothing.
I am me - beautiful butterfly. I am a blue-eyed, brown haired, vegan, warrior princess. I am a fairy, and I'm also everything and everyone around me.
Lifes divinity is absolutely astonishing.